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23 December 2006 @ 08:53 pm
 
Nothing can make this Christmas good. No gift. It is nothing material. It's the fact that I'm in Mobile for Christmas. I have almost no friends...I think my dad is back in the hospital, and I'm sure it's for the same reason as last time. I can't handle it. I'm home alone for the weekend at that, no one felt it was necessary to spend Christmas weekend with me. I don't know about me anymore, I really don't. I spend too much time pretending to be happy, too much time avoiding the inevitable. I've been fighting depression for what...5 or 6 years? It doesn't go away, no matter how much I try to cover it up. No matter how happy I think I am, it all fades away. The few people I have loved, I push away because I do not want to drag them down with me. The other people I feel that I connect to, have nothing to do with me unless it is convenient for them. I can't take it...

I think the fact that I'm not with either one of my parents this Christmas really bothers me. This is the 2nd year in a row I did not see my dad on Christmas day. It is fucking pathetic. All I do is try to show him I care about him, but he does this shit to me.

I have no one to talk to here. The people that care about me are in Houston...and they're busy. or gone. Or I'm too stupid to tell them how I really feel.

I've dug too much of a hole...my past haunts me.
 
 
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
Current Music: Bright Eyes - Messenger Bird's Song
 
 
 
Danielmusicmastermind on December 25th, 2006 09:59 am (UTC)
Everyone's experiences are different...so I can't with complete honesty say I can relate entirely...but I do know how it is to be depressed for a long time. To keep fighting to be happy, only to feel as if you were only pretending to be happy the entire time, even though it seemed like you really were happy.

But you really were happy in those moments of happiness.
And at the risk of sounding horribly clichè, you don't know what tomorrow brings.
And when I say tomorrow, I mean the rest of your life.

Right now, it sounds like things really suck...but please, hold on.
It's never too late to tell people how you feel, to let friends and family know you care, and there's a good chance that the feeling will be mutual. Everyone's so afraid of letting anyone else know that they have emotions, or of letting others know that they care.

Well, Joey, I love you, man. We've hung out like...four times, ever, but from what I know and what I've read, you're a really cool guy. I'm fighting the depression that the holidays bring, the apathy towards other human beings they instill, and I don't know if this comment will help you any, but I for one won't sit by and watch a friend suffer without at least trying to offer something that might bring a little bit of happiness to them.

You take care of yourself, and I wish you the best.

-Daniel-
An Empty Voidraginconfession on December 25th, 2006 03:15 pm (UTC)
Thanks Daniel. I appreciate it. You're probably the nicest and most sincere guy I know. Luckily, my cousins made it a very nice holiday for me. Not letting me be alone and not letting the fact that I'm here get to me.

I'm sure the bottle of Jack Daniels I drank last night didn't hurt either, haha. Anyways, hope you had a good christmas man and take it easy. Maybe one of these days, we'll hang out again. I will be in Houston from the 29th-5th, so I need to try and see everyone I can.